An Amazing Connection With God

A 70-year-old man goes to the doctor's for a physical.
The doctor runs some tests and says to the man,
"Well, everything seems to be in top condition physically,
but what about mentally? How is your connection with God?"

And the man says,
"Oh me and God? We're tight.
We have a real bond, he's good to me.
Every night when I have to get up to go to the bathroom,
he turns on the light for me,
and then, when I leave, he turns it back off." [[EMOTION:GRIN2]]

Well, upon hearing this the doctor was astonished.

He called the man's wife and said,
"I'd like to speak to you about your husband's connection with God.
He claims that every night when he needs to use the restroom,
God turns on the light for him
and turns it off for him again when he leaves. Is this true?"


And she says, "That idiot, he's been peeing in the refrigerator!"


food for thought?
DEAN

A Dose of HMO's Own Medicine

A doctor, a nurse, and the top executive of an HMO
have all died and are in line together at the Pearly Gates.

St. Peter speaks with them
and asks what good each has done in their life.

Doctor: "I have devoted my life to the sick and needy
and have had a part in caring for,
and healing thousands of poor people."

St. Peter: "That's great. Go ahead in to heaven.

And what about you, dear?"

Nurse: "I've supported the good doctor
and his patients my entire life as an adult."

St. Peter: "Wonderful. Please proceed in with the doctor.

And what about you?"

Health Maintenance Organizaton Director:
"I was the president of a very large HMO
and was responsible for the healthcare
of millions of people all over the country."

St. Peter:"Oh, I see. Please go in...
but you can only stay two nights!"

(HUMM, PAY BACK TIME?)
DEAN

Caught in the Act!

A man returning home a day early from a business trip,
got into a taxi at the airport after midnight.
While en route to his home,
he asked the cabby if he would be a witness.

The man suspected his wife was having an affair,
and expected to catch her in the act.
For $100, the cabby agreed to be a witness.

Quietly arriving at the house,
the husband and cabby tiptoed into the bedroom.
The husband flipped on the lights,
pulled the blanket back
and there was his wife in bed with another man.


The husband put his gun to the man's head,
and the wife shouted,
"Don't do it! This man has been very generous.
Who do you think paid for the Corvette I said I bought for you?
He did!
Who do you think paid for our new cabin cruiser?
He did!
Who do you think pays our monthly country club dues you believe
I budget for?
He does!"

The husband, looked over at the cab driver and said,
"What would you do in a case like this?"

The cabby said,
"I'd cover him with that blanket before he catches cold."


[WHAT WOULD YOU DO?]
DEAN

Alan Coren
I wonder sometimes if manufacturers of foolproof items keep a fool or two on their payroll to test things.

Phyllis Diller
We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.

Erma Bombeck
"The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again."

Bob Monkhouse
The only reason my wife has an orgasm, is so she'll have something else to moan about.

The married business executive had to make a trip to Palm Beach alone for his corporation.

After a few days he was enjoying himself so much that he decided to stay another week as part of his vacation.

Wanting to share this newly discovered paradise, he wired his bachelor friend: "Take next plane for fun week on me. Bring my wife and your mistress."

His friend was quick to wire back: "Your wife and I arriving tomorrow 11.30 a.m. How long have you known about us?