"THE INSURANCE CLAIM" or a really bad day!!
S.C. Anderson
PO Box 1302
Minnetonka, MN 55345
Superior Health Insurance
ATTN: Claims Review
1423 W. 90th St.
New York, NY 05016
Dear Sir:
This letter is in response to your recent letter requesting a more
detailed explanation concerning my recent internment at Methodist
Hospital. Specifically, you asked for an expansion in reference to
Block 21(a)(3) of the claim form (reason for hospital visit). On the
original form, I put "Stupidity." I realize now that this answer was
somewhat vague and so I will attempt to more fully explain the
circumstances leading up to my hospitalization.
I had needed to use the restroom and had just finished a quick bite to eat at the local burger joint. I entered the bathroom, took care of my business, and just prior to the moment in which I had planned to raise my trousers, the locked case that prevents theft of the toilet paper in such places came undone and, feeling it striking my knee, unthinkingly, I immediately, and with unnecessary force, returned the lid back to its normal position.
Unfortunately, as I did this I also turned and certain parts of my
body, which were still exposed, were trapped between the device's lid
and its main body. Feeling such intense and immediate pain caused me
to jump back. It quickly came to my attention that, when one's
privates are firmly attached to an unmovable object, it is not a good
idea to jump in the opposite direction. Upon recovering some of my
senses, I attempted to reopen the lid. However, my slamming of it had
been sufficient to allow the locking mechanism to engage. I then
proceeded to get a hold on my pants and subsequently removed my
keys from them. I intended to try to force the lock of the device open
with one of my keys; thus extracting myself. Unfortunately, when I
attempted this, my key broke in the lock.
Embarrassment of someone seeing me in this unique position became a
minor concern, and I began to call for help in as much of a calm and
rational manner as I could. An employee from the restaurant quickly
arrived and decided that this was a problem requiring the attention of
the store manager. Betty, the manager, came quickly. She attempted to
unlock the device with her keys. Since I had broken my key off in the
device, she could not get her key in. Seeing no other solution, she
called the EMS (as indicated on your form in block 21(b)(1)). After
approximately 15 minutes, the EMS arrived, along with two police
officers, a fire-rescue squad, and the channel 4 "On-the- Spot" news
team. The guys from the fire department quickly took charge as this
was obviously a rescue operation. The senior member of the team
discovered that the device was attached with bolts to the cement wall
that could only be reached once the device was unlocked. His discovery
was by means of tearing apart the device located in the stall next to
the one that I was in. (Since the value of the property destroyed in his examination was less than $50 (my deductible) I did not include it in my claim.) His partner, who seemed like an intelligent fellow at the time, came up with the idea of cutting the device from the wall with the propane torch that was in the rescue truck.
The fireman went to his truck, retrieved the torch, and commenced to
attempt to cut the device from the wall. Had I been in a state to think of such things, I might have realized that in cutting the device from the wall several things would also inevitably happen. First, the air inside of the device would quickly heat up, causing items inside the device to suffer the same effects that are normally achieved by
placing things in an oven. Second, the metal in the device is a good
conductor of heat causing items that are in contact with the device to
react as if thrown into a hot skillet. And, third, molten metal would
shower the inside of the device as the torch cut through. The one
bright note of the propane torch was that it did manage to cut, in the
brief time that I allowed them to use it, a hole big enough for a small pry bar to be placed inside of the device.
The EMS team then loaded me, along with the device, into the waiting
ambulance as stated on your form. Due the small area of your block
21(a)(3), I was unable to give a full explanation of these events, and
thus used the word which I thought best described my actions that
led to my hospitalization.
Sincerely,
S.C. Anderson
WOW! This guy had a really bad bad day!!
YOUR FRIEND
MAN MOUNTAIN DEAN
AN OLD LADY AND THE BURGLAR 
