Henry Youngman
When I read about the evils of drinking,
I gave up reading.

Wendy Leibman
My license plate says PMS. Nobody cuts me off!

Marie Corelli
I never married because there was no need. I have three pets at home which answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog that growls every morning, a parrot that swears all afternoon, and a cat that comes home late at night.

Winston Churchill
Success is the ability to go from one failure to another with no loss of enthusiasm.

"THE MOTOR POOL"



The phone rang at the motor pool
and an authoritative voice demanded to know
how many vehicles were operational.
Jim answered, ''We've got twelve trucks,
ten utilities, three staff cars
and that Bentley the fat-arsed colonel swanks around in.''
There was a stony silence for a second or two.

"Do you know who you are speaking to?"

"No," said Paddy.

"It is the so-called fat-arsed colonel
you so insubordinately referred to."

Well, do you know who you are talking to?"

"No," roared the colonel.

"Well thank goodness for that,"
said Paddy as he hung up the phone.

AH YES, A BRICKLAYERS TROUBLES, WHAT DO YOU THINK
HIS DAY WAS LIKE?

This is a bricklayer's accident report. which was printed in the
Newsletter of the New Zealand equivalent of the Worker's Compensation Board. This is a TRUE story. Had this guy died, he'd have walked away with a Darwin Award. The letter begins:

Dear Sir,

I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block 3 of the accident report form. I put "Poor Planning" as the cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient.

I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working
alone on the roof of a new six-storey building.
=
When I completed my work, I found I had some bricks left over, which, when weighed later were found to be slightly in excess of 500lbs. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley, which was attached to the side of the building on the sixth floor.

Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the bricks.

You will note in Block 11 of the accident report form that I weigh 135 lbs. Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel which was now proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed. This explains the fractured skull; minor abrasions and the broken collarbone, as listed on Section 3 of the accident report form.

Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the
fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep in the pulley. Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of the excruciating pain I was now beginning to experience.

At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, that barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs. I refer you again to my weight.

As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent, down the side of the
building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up.

This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and severe
lacerations of my legs and lower body. Here my luck began to change
slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked.

I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in
pain, unable to move, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope and I lay there watching the empty barrel begin its journey back down onto me.

This explains the two broken legs. I hope this answers your inquiry.


WHAT ELSE CAN I SAY!
AND THIS IS ME
SAYING SO LONG FOR NOW!
SAY COOL AND SAFE

Hope you enjoy this one, the writer says it is a True Story
I don't know it is just funny, I dare you not to laugh!


True Stories Jokes: Chilli Cookoff:

Notes from an inexperienced Chili taster named FRANK,
who was visiting Texas from the East Coast:

"Recently I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment, and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted. Here are the scorecards from the event":

Chilli # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili

JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
FRANK: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

Chilli # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili

JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

Chilli # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili

JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A bean less chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now, get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all the beer.

Chilli # 4: Bubba's Black Magic

JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it, is it possible to burn-out taste buds? Sally, the bar maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills, that 300 lb. bitch is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear-waste I'm eating. Is chilli an aphrodisiac?

Chilli # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover

JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off? It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks!

Chilli # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety

JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I shit myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally, she must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone!

Chilli # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili

JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chilli peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like shit to match my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4 inch hole in my stomach.

Chilli # 8: Mount Saint Helen's Chili

JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor Yank, wonder how he would have reacted to a really hot chili?
FRANK: -------------- (editor's note: Judge #3 was unable to report)

NOTE FROM MEIF THIS DOESNOT GIVE YOU A SMILE THEN NOTHING WILL!!!
ENJOY THE REST OF YOUR DAY!
YOUR FRIEND

DEAN

FROM:
Groucho Marx
My favorite poem is the one that starts 'Thirty days hath September' because it actually tells you something.

Margaret Thatcher:
I'm back... and you knew I was coming. On my way here I passed a cinema with the sign 'The Mummy Returns'.
(on campaigning for Conservative William Hague, May 2001)

David Letterman
"The National Council on Psychic Research have officially designated this to be true. If you are passing through New York City and you must even change planes here, that counts; that experience of changing planes in New York City now officially counts as a near-death experience."

NOTE TO MY READERS AND FRIENDS:
MY COMPUTER IS ON THE FRIZZ AGAIN V
SO I AM GOING TO POST AS MANY THINGS TODAY AS I CAN
[[EMOTION:GOODGRIEF2]][[EMOTION:YUCK1]]
THE COMPUTER MAN IS COMING OVER TODAY OR TOMORO
I DON'T KNOW IF I WILL RETURN FOR A WHILE
I WILL MISS ALL OF YOU BUT LIKE A BAD PENNY AND LIKE
MANY OF MY WRESTLING FOES KNOW "I WILL BE BACK!"
KEEP COOL;
UNTIL WE MEET AGAIN,


YOUR FRIEND
DEAN