A BLONDE COMES HOME AND FINDS HER............


A blonde comes home and finds her mom dead on the floor.
But she goes to work, and starts crying and her boss asks, "What's wrong?"
She says, "Well, my mom died."
He told her to go home but she said, "No, I'll be fine."
About an hour later her boss finds her crying again. He says, "What's wrong?"
And she says, "Well, I just talked to my sister, and her mom died too!"

A QUOTE BY
John Wooden
"Ability may get you to the top,
but it takes character to keep you there."

THE COFFEE SHOP!
A guy walks into a coffee shop
and sees President Bush and Colin Powell sitting together.
He introduces himself and asks President Bush,
"How goes the War effort, Sir?"
President Bush answers,
"We're getting ready to kill
40 million Iraqi's and one blonde."
The guy asks in astonishment,
"Why are you killing one blonde?"
President Bush turns to Colin Powell
and says, "See, I told you people
wouldn't care about the Iraqi's."

This is a real letter:

April, 1998

Hi Sue,
Just another note from your bottom dwelling brother. Last week I had a bad day at the office. Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job. As you know my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It's a wetsuit. This time of year the water is quite cool. So what we do to keep warm is this:

We have a diesel powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of shit sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temp. It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose which is taped to the air hose. Now this sounds like a damn good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints. What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is I take the hose and stuff it down the back of my neck. This floods my whole suit with warm water. It's like working in a jacuzzi.

Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my ass started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse. Within a few seconds my ass started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done. In agony I realized what had happened to me. The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit.

This is even worse than the poison ivy I once had under a cast. Now I had that hose down my back. I don't have any hair on my back, so the jellyfish couldn't get stuck to my back. My ass crack was not as fortunate. When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into my ass. I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the comms. His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he along with 5 other divers were laughing hysterically. Needless to say I aborted the dive. I was instructed to make 3 agonizing water stops totaling 35 minutes before I could come to the surface.

I got to the surface wearing nothing but my brass helmet. My suit and gear were tied to the bell. When I got on board the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to shove it up my ass when I get in the chamber. The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't shit for two days because my asshole was swollen shut. I later found out that this could easily have been prevented if the suction hose was placed on the leeward side of the ship.

Anyway, the next time you have a bad day at the office, think of me. Think about how much worse your day would be if you were to shove a jellyfish up your ass. I hope you have no bad days at the office. But if you do, I hope that thought will make it a little more tolerable. Take care, and I hope to hear from you soon.

Love,
Brian

NOTE: "I don't know who this
Brian fellow was, but I'm glad its not ME!"
YOUR FRIEND,

DEAN

OK TOPAZ THIS ONE IS FOR YOU AND OUR OTHER
FRIENDS:
"60 THINNGS NOT TO SAY TO A GUY!

1. I've smoked fatter joints than that.
2. Ahh, it's cute.
3. Who circumcised you?
4. Why don't we just cuddle?
5. You know they have surgery to fix that.
6. It's more fun to look at.
7. Make it dance.
8. You know, there's a tower in Italy like that.
9. Can I paint a smiley face on that?
10. It looks like a night crawler.
11. Wow, and your feet are so big.
12. My last boyfriend was 4'' bigger.
13. It's ok, we'll work around it.
14. Is this a mild or a spicy Slim Jim?
15. Eww, there's an inch worm on your thigh.
16. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
17. Oh no, a flash headache.
18. (giggle and point)
19. Can I be honest with you?
20. My 8-year-old brother has one like that.
21. Let me go get my tweezers.
22. How sweet, you brought incense.
23. This explains your car.
24. You must be a growing boy.
25. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.
26. Thanks, I needed a toothpick.
27. Are you one of those pygmies?
28. Have you ever thought of working in a sideshow?
29. Every heard of clearasil?
30. All right, a treasure hunt!
31. I didn't know they came that small.
32. Why is God punishing you?
33. At least this won't take long.
34. I never saw one like that before.
35. What do you call this?
36. But it still works, right?
37. Damn, I hate baby-sitting.
38. It looks so unused.
39. Do you take steroids?
40. I hear excessive masturbation shrinks it.
41. Maybe it looks better in natural light.
42. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?
43. Oh, I didn't know you were in an accident.
44. Did you date Lorena Bobbitt?
45. Aww, it's hiding.
46. Are you cold?
47. If you get me real drunk first.
48. Is that an optical illusion?
49. What is that?
50. I'll go get the ketchup for your french fry.
51. Were you neutered?
52. It's a good thing you have so many other talents.
53. Does it come with an air pump?
54. So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality.
55. Where are the puppet strings?
56. Your big gun is more like a BB gun.
57. Look, it fits my Barbie clothes.
58. Never mind, why bother.
59. Is that a second belly button?
60. Where's the rest of it?


AH WELL, MAYBE I SHOULD HAVE
STAYED IN BED THIS MORNING!
SORRY FELLERS I DIDNOT READ THIS
BEFORE PASTING DON'T BLAME ME----
DEAN

"54 AND HAVING "FUN!"

A 54 year old accountant leaves a letter
for his wife one Friday evening that reads:

Dear Wife (that's what he called her):
I am 54 and by the time you receive this letter
I will be at the Grand Hotel with my beautiful
and sexy 18 year old secretary.

When he arrived at the hotel
there was a letter waiting for him
that read as follows:

Dear Husband (that's what she called him):
I too am 54 and by the time you receive this letter
I will be at the Breakwater Hotel
with my handsome and virile 18 year old boy toy.


You being an accountant will therefore
appreciate that 18 goes into 14
many more times than 54 goes into 18.

YOUR FRIEND.


DEAN

FROM FUNNY MAN:

Groucho Marx:
"I never forget a face, but in your case
I'll be glad to make an exception."

AND

Henry Youngman:
So I said, 'Where do you want to go for your anniversary?'
She said: 'I want to go somewhere I've never been before.'
I said, 'Try the kitchen.'
(Goodfellas, 1990)

Harry Hill
My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire',
which is probably why he got thrown out of the the fire brigade.

Jay Leno:
"Bush said today he is being stalked.
He said wherever he goes, people are following him.
Finally, someone told him,
"Psst. That's the Secret Service."


HERES ONE FOR ALL MY GRANDPARENTS OUT THERE!
FROM:
Erma Bombeck:
"A grandmother pretends she doesn't know who you are on Halloween".

AND NOW SOME WORDS-O-WISDOM FROM BUMPER STCKERS:

Bumper Sticker Wisdom:
"All I want is less to do,
more time to do it,
and higher pay for not getting it done. "

Bumper Sticker Wisdom:
"We are the people our parents warned us about."
HOPE YOU ENJOYED A LITTLE TASTE O HUMOR!
YOUR FRIEND,

DEAN